Daddy Read online

  “Oh dear.” When she glanced at her watch again, it was nine-thirty. “Is there another train?” She could always take a cab into New York if she had to.

  But Melissa nodded. “At eleven.”

  “I guess I'll catch that then.”

  “Good.” Sam clung to her hand, but the two children looked suddenly exhausted. She put Sam to bed shortly after that, and chatted with Mel until shortly after ten, and then suggested she go to bed, she could take care of herself for another half hour before she called a cab. And Mel finally went upstairs, with her own thoughts. And Ollie came home at ten-thirty, and was surprised to see Daphne still there, quietly reading.

  “How's your father?”

  “All right, I guess.” Ollie looked tired. He had put his own father to bed, like a child, and promised to come back the next day to help him decide what to do about his mother. “It's an awful situation. My mother has Alzheimer's, and it's killing my father.”

  “Oh God, how terrible.” She was grateful that her own parents were still youthful and healthy. They were seventy and seventy-five, but they both still looked like fifty. And then she remembered the call from Sarah. “Your wife called, by the way.”

  “Oh Christ …” He ran a hand through his hair, wondering if the kids had told her Daphne was there, but she read the look in his eyes and was quick to reassure him. “What did they tell her?”

  “I don't know. I wasn't in the room when they talked to her. But no one was around when the phone rang, I answered it, and told her I was the sitter.” She smiled and he grinned at her.

  “Thanks for that.” And then, with worried eyes again, “How were the kids afterward?”

  “Upset. I gather she told them she couldn't come home next weekend, and she can't have them up there. Sam was crying. But he was all right when I put him to bed.”

  “You are truly an amazing woman.” He glanced at his watch then with regret. “I hate to do this, but I'd better get you to the station for the train. We'll just make it.”

  “I had a terrific day, Oliver.” She thanked him on the way to the station.

  “So did I. I'm sorry I had to run out at the end.”

  “Don't worry about it. You have your hands full. But things will look up one of these days.”

  “If I live that long.” He smiled tiredly.

  He waited for the train with her, and gave her a brotherly hug before she left, and told her he'd see her the following day at the office. She waved as the train pulled away, and he drove slowly home, sorry that things weren't different. Maybe if she'd been free, he told himself, but he knew it was a lie. No matter how free Daphne might have been, how attractive, how intelligent, all he wanted was Sarah. He dialed her number when he got home, but when the phone rang at her end, there was no answer.

  Chapter 8

  George Watson put his wife in a convalescent home the week after that. It was one that specialized in patients with Alzheimer's and various forms of dementia. Outwardly, it was cheerful and pleasant, but a glimpse of the patients living there depressed Oliver beyond words, when he went to see his mother. She didn't recognize him this time, and thought George was her son, and not her husband.

  The old man dried his eyes as they left, and Oliver took his arm in the bitter wind, and drove him home, and he felt as though he was deserting him as he left him that night and went back to his children.

  It seemed odd, when he thought about it, that he and his father were both losing their wives at the same time, although in different ways. It was heartbreaking for both of them. But at least Oliver had the children to keep him occupied, and his work to distract him. His father had nothing, except loneliness and memories, and the painful visits he made to the home every afternoon to see Phyllis.

  And then the big day came. Sarah called on Valentine's Day, and announced that she wanted to see the children the following weekend. In Boston.

  “Why don't you come here?” She had been gone for seven weeks, and, like the children, Oliver was aching to see her and have her at home with them.

  “I want them to see where I live.” He wanted to object, but he didn't. Instead, he agreed and called her back when he had figured out their approximate time of arrival in Boston.

  “We should get to your place around eleven o'clock Saturday morning, if we take a nine A.M. shuttle.” He would have liked to make it on Friday night, but it was too complicated with schools and work, and she had suggested Saturday morning. “Do you have room for all of us?” He smiled for the first time in weeks, and at her end, there was an odd silence.

  “I wasn't … I thought Mel and Benjamin could sleep on two old couches in my living room. And … I was going to have Sam sleep with me …” Her voice trailed off as Oliver listened, his hand frozen to the phone as the words reverberated in his head, Sam … sleep with me she had said, not with us.

  “Where does that leave us, or should I say me?” He decided to be blunt with her. He wanted to know where he stood, once and for all. He couldn't stand the torture of not knowing any longer.

  “I thought maybe …” her voice was barely more than a whisper, “… you'd want to stay at a hotel. It … it might be easier that way, Ollie.” There were tears in her eyes when she said it, but there was a weight on his heart as he heard her.

  “Easier for who? It seems to me you were the one promising that nothing would change, not so long ago, you were saying you weren't leaving for good. Or had you forgotten?”

  “I didn't forget. Things just change when you get away and get some perspective.” Then why didn't things change for him? Why did he still want her so badly? He wanted to shake her until her teeth rattled in her head, and then he wanted to kiss her until she begged him to take her. But she wasn't going to do that again. Not ever.

  “So you're telling me it's over. Is that it, Sarah?” His voice was too loud, and his heart was pounding.

  “I'm just asking you to stay in a hotel, Ollie … this time …”

  “Stop that! Stop playing with me, dammit!” It was a cruel side to her he had never even known was there.

  “I'm sorry … I'm as confused as you are.” And at that precise moment, she meant it.

  “The hell you are, Sarah. You know exactly what you're doing. You knew it the day you left here.”

  “I just want to be alone with the children this weekend.”

  “Fine.” His voice turned to ice. “I'll drop them off at your place at eleven.” And with that, he hung up the phone before she could torture him any further. It was going to be a lonely weekend for him, while she and the children had their happy reunion.

  He could have let them go alone, but he didn't want to. He wanted to be with them, particularly afterward, for the trip home. He also knew in his heart of hearts that he wanted to be near her. He was also particularly worried about Sam, and moderately so about the others. Benjamin was unenthusiastic about going, he was going to miss a game, but Oliver told him he thought he should go. Mel was excited to go, and Sam was ecstatic. But he wondered how they would all feel after they saw her.

  The flight to Boston had a festive air, as Oliver sat quietly across the aisle from them, and when they drove to her address on Brattle Street, he was incredibly nervous. He had told her he would drop them off, and when she opened the door, he thought his heart would stop when he saw her. She looked as lovely as she had before, only more so. Her hair was loose and longer, and her jeans clung to her in a way that made Ollie ache, but he tried to maintain his composure in front of the children. She kissed him lightly on the cheek, hugged the children, and took them inside to the lunch she had waiting for them as Oliver drove off in the cab, aching for her with every ounce of his body.

  She lived in a small apartment, with a comfortable living room and a tiny bedroom, and behind it a shaggy garden, and as the children slurped soup, gobbled their food, and stared happily at her, everyone talked at once with the relief of releasing long-pent-up fears and emotions. Sam stayed glued to her, and even Benjam
in looked more relaxed than he had in a long time. Everyone looked happy, except Oliver, alone in his hotel room.

  It had finally happened, she had turned him away. She didn't love him anymore. And the reality of it almost killed him. He cried as he remembered the past and walked for hours on the Harvard campus. He went to all the places they had gone to years before, and realized as he walked back to his hotel that he was still crying. He didn't understand. She had told him nothing would change between them, yet now she had shut him out. It was all over and they had become strangers. He felt like an abandoned child. And that night, as he sat alone in his hotel room, he called her.

  He could hear the ruckus of music and voices and laughter in the background, and it only made him lonelier for her than before. “I'm sorry, Sarah. I didn't mean to interrupt your time with the children.”

  “That's okay. They're making popcorn in the kitchen. Why don't I call you later?” And when she did, it was after midnight.

  “What's happening to us?” He had to ask her, had to know, after two months all he could do was think about her and he still wanted her back more than ever. If she really wasn't coming back to him, he had to know it. “I don't understand this. When you left, you said you'd come home every weekend. Now, after almost two months, you keep me at arm's length and act as though we're divorced.”

  “I don't know either, Ollie.” Her voice was soft, a familiar caress he wanted to forget, but couldn't. “Things changed for me once I got here. I realized how badly I wanted this, and that I couldn't go back to what we had before. Maybe I'll be able to one day … but it'll have to be very different.”

  “How? Tell me … I need to know….” He hated himself for it, but he was crying again. Something terrible had happened that weekend and he knew it. She was in control of everything he cared about and wanted, and he was helpless to change it, or make her come home to him.

  “I don't know the answers either. I just know I need to be here.”

  “And us? Why this? Why couldn't I stay there?” He had no shame, no pride. He loved her too much and wanted her too badly.

  “I think I'm afraid to see you.”

  “But that's crazy. Why?”

  “I don't know. Maybe you want too much from me, Oliver. It's almost as though I'm someone else now. Someone I used to be, and was going to be. Someone who's been asleep for all these years, put away, and forgotten, but now I'm alive again. And I don't want to give that up. For anyone. Not even you.”

  “And the people we were together? Have you forgotten them so soon?” It had only been seven weeks, and she made it sound like forever.

  “I'm not that person anymore. I'm not sure I ever could be. I think that's why I'm afraid to see you. I don't want to let you down. But I'm not the same person anymore, Ollie. Maybe I haven't been in a long time, and just didn't know it.”

  His breath caught, but he had to ask her. “Is there someone else?” Already? So soon? But there could be. And she looked so beautiful when he dropped the kids off. Years had dropped from her when she left Purchase, and she had been pretty to him then, but now she was even more so.

  “No, there isn't.” But she seemed to hesitate as she said it. “Not yet. But I want to be free to see other people.” Jesus. He couldn't believe she was saying these words. But she was. It was over.

  “I guess that says it all, doesn't it? Do you want to file for a divorce?” His hand shook on the phone as he asked her.

  “Not yet. I don't know what I want. Not yet.” He had wanted her to scream in terror at the prospect, but it was obvious that she was considering it. And it was equally obvious that their life together was over in any case.

  “Let me know when you figure it out. I think you're a damn fool though, Sarah. We had something wonderful for eighteen years, and you're throwing it out the window.” He sounded bitter and sad as he wiped the tears from his cheeks, torn between sorrow and fury.

  “Ollie …” She sounded as though she was crying too. “I still love you.”

  “I don't want to hear it.” It was too painful now, too much for him. “I'll pick the kids up tomorrow at four. Just send them downstairs, I'll have a cab waiting.” Suddenly, he didn't want to see her again. And as he set the phone down gently next to the bed, he felt as though he had set his heart down with it. The woman he had known and loved as Sarah Watson was no more. She was gone. If she had ever existed.

  Chapter 9

  When he picked the children up the following afternoon, his heart was pounding as the cab waited. He got out and rang the bell and then slid back into the taxi. He was anxious to see them again, to have them back with him, to not be alone for a moment longer. Sunday alone in Boston had been dismal without them. And this had been a weekend he would always remember.

  Melissa was the first to emerge, looking confident and grown up and very pretty. She waved at her father in the cab, and he was relieved to see that she was in good spirits. It had done her good to see her mother at last. Benjamin came next, looking serious and subdued, but he was always that way now. He had changed drastically in the two months since she had left them. Or maybe he was just growing up. Oliver wasn't sure, and he worried about him. And then came Sam, dragging his feet and carrying a large, awkwardly wrapped bundle. She had given him a teddy bear, unsure if he would like the gift, but he had slept with it the night before, and clutched it now like a sacred treasure.

  Benjamin slid into the front seat, and Mel had already gotten into the cab, as Sam reached his father with wide, sad eyes, and it was easy to see he'd been crying.

  “Hi, big guy, whatcha got?”

  “Mom gave me a teddy bear. Just for good luck … you know …” He was embarrassed to admit how much he loved it. And she had instinctively picked the right thing for him. She knew them all well, and Oliver could still smell her perfume on the boy as he hugged him. It made his heart ache just to smell it and think of her. And then, as Sam climbed over him, bumping his overnight bag across their legs, Oliver glanced up, and saw her standing in the doorway. She was waving to them, and for an instant, he wanted to jump out of the cab and run back and hold her and take her back with them. Maybe he could still bring her to her senses, and if not, at least he could touch her and feel her and smell her. But he forced himself to look away, and in a hoarse voice told the driver to head for the airport. He glanced back in spite of himself as they drove away, and she looked pretty and young as she continued to wave from the doorway, and suddenly, as he watched her, he felt Melissa slip something into his hand. It was a little white silk pouch, and when he opened it, he saw the emerald ring he had given Sarah for Christmas. There was a little note that asked him to save it for Melissa. And that too was a powerful statement. It had been a brutal weekend for him, and he slipped the pouch in his pocket without saying a word, his jaw hard, his eyes cold, as he looked out the window.

  Oliver said nothing for a long time, and just listened as the children rattled on, about the dinner she'd cooked, and the popcorn, and how much they'd liked the apartment. Even Sam seemed more at ease now. And it was obvious it had done him a world of good to see their mother. They all looked well groomed, and Sam's hair was combed just the way Oliver liked it. And it was painful for him just seeing them that way, so obviously fresh from her hands, as though newly born, and only just then sprung from her. He didn't want to hear about how wonderful it had been, how great she looked, how cute the garden was, or how hard her courses. He only wanted to hear how desperately she missed all of them, and most of all him, how soon she was coming back, how much she hated Boston, and that she'd been wrong to go there. But he knew now that he would never hear that.

  The flight back to New York was rough, but the children didn't even seem to notice, and they got home at eight o'clock that night. Aggie was waiting for them, and offered to cook them dinner. They told Aggie all about Boston then, and what their mom had done, what she had said, what she thought, and about everything that she was doing. And finally, halfway through the meal, O
llie couldn't stand it anymore. He stood up and threw his napkin down as the children stared at him in amazement.

  “I'm sick and tired of hearing about all that! I'm glad you had a great time, but dammit, can't you talk about anything else?” They looked crushed and he was suddenly overwhelmed with embarrassment. “I'm sorry … I'm … never mind …” He left them and went upstairs, closing the door to his room, and then sitting there, in the darkness, staring out into the moonlight. But it was so painful listening to them, hearing about her all the time. They had found her again. And he had lost her. There was no turning the clock back now, no getting away from it. She didn't love him anymore, no matter what she said on the phone. It was over. Forever.

  He sat there, in the dark, on his bed, for what seemed like a long time, and then he lay down in the darkness and stared up at the ceiling. It was a longer time still before he heard a knock at the door. It was Mel, and she opened the door a crack, but at first she didn't see him. “Dad?” She stepped into the room, and then she saw him there, lying on his bed in the moonlight. “I'm sorry … we didn't mean to upset you … it's just …”

  “I know, baby, I know. You have a right to be excited. She's your mom. I just got a little crazy for a minute. Even dads go berserk sometimes.” He sat up and smiled at her and then turned on the light, feeling awkward that she had found him sulking in the darkness. “I just miss her a lot … just like you did….”

  “She says she still loves you, Dad.” Mel was suddenly so sad for him and the look in his eyes was just awful.

  “That's nice, sweetheart. I love her too. It's just hard to understand sometimes when things change.” … when you lose someone you love so much … when you feel as though your whole life is over … “I'll get used to it.”

  Melissa nodded. She had promised her mother she would do everything she could to help, and she was going to. She put Sam to bed that night, with his teddy bear, and told him to leave Daddy alone for a change, and sleep in his own bed.