The Dark Side Read online

  She told Austin about the visit after the fact, and he looked shocked.

  “Why didn’t you tell me before you went?” He looked mildly hurt that she hadn’t, and most of all surprised.

  “I didn’t want to worry you. I just wanted to get her thoroughly checked out. I thought Cathy Clark was a little casual about it. It seemed better to see a specialist and be sure that Jaime is okay.” He was sure that her over-diligence, as he considered it, was due to her sister’s early death and didn’t want to bring it up. Losing a sister to leukemia at seven, while Zoe was only ten herself, had to have marked her, and given her a fear of illness in young children. He knew how her sister’s illness and death had decimated her family, so he didn’t fault her for being overzealous, but he would have liked to have known about a medical visit for their child, and to share Zoe’s concerns, whether well-founded or not. But his happiness to hear that the baby was fine overrode any objections he might have had, and he didn’t make an issue of it.

  He had lunch with both his brothers once he went back to work, and marveled at how calm they were about their children. He shared how anxious Zoe was, how difficult the nursing had been so far, and how everything in their lives had changed. To some degree, he felt he had lost his wife, and they were only partners in a challenging venture now, like climbing Everest. And Zoe’s hypervigilance was stressful. Their previously sexy, loving, playful relationship had disappeared. Zoe had become a one-person police force to protect their child, on duty 24/7.

  His brothers were impressed by the apnea incident a few weeks before, and said that nothing that dramatic had ever happened to any of their kids at that age. They also commented that their wives were less perfectionistic than Zoe, and more relaxed, which was part of it. Austin admitted that a month into fatherhood, he could no longer imagine having more than one child, which they thought was too bad. They each enjoyed having several, even his brother with twins. They both suggested that if Jaime were to be an only child, Zoe might become too obsessive about her. She might be calmer with two.

  “Or twice as anxious,” Austin said with a rueful grin. He barely recognized his wife now. “She’s read every book on the planet about child rearing, and has very definite ideas. Her younger sister died of leukemia when Zoe was ten, so she’s very nervous about health issues. She has a million theories about everything.” It sounded to both his brothers like he had a long rocky road ahead of him, but they didn’t want to be critical of his wife, whom they all liked. Zoe was a terrific woman, just a little intense for them, but Austin didn’t seem to mind it, and she was an expert in the field of child abuse, which was compatible with his interests and career too. They were happy for him that he had a baby now. They all loved the idea of the cousins being close as they grew up, and it was going to be fun having a little girl in their midst, with all the boys.

  The nights were long at their apartment, with Zoe sitting up with Jaime, keeping a close eye on her, vigilant about another episode of apnea, and only dozing off herself between frequent feedings. Jaime wasn’t sleeping through the night yet at two months, and Zoe insisted she was going to continue using the monitor for the first year, just to be safe. It finally led Austin to sleep in the small guest room he used as a home office when he brought work home on a case. There was no way he could get a full night’s sleep with Zoe sitting up all night, the baby crying, the alarm going off randomly, and a light on next to their bed. He would have been crippled the next day at the office. He had tried it, but it just didn’t work. He missed sleeping next to her, but only did that now on weekends, and they hadn’t been able to resume their sex life with Jaime either in Zoe’s arms, or between them in bed.

  They no longer sat down to dinner together either, she was too busy tending to the baby, so he either bought food from a deli or nearby restaurant on his way home from the office, or cooked for them himself, something his brothers hadn’t had to do either. But none of their children had apnea, and they had au pairs who took care of the children and lived in. He had suggested it to Zoe for when Jaime got a little older, but Zoe pointed out that his brothers’ au pairs had no formal training, were usually foreign and around twenty years old, and she would never trust Jaime with someone like them. He didn’t argue the point, and wondered who Zoe would find that she would trust with Jaime. It was going to be hard to fit the bill, and it would have to be someone who respected all her theories and rules. She wouldn’t even let Austin hold Jaime now after a feeding. She held the baby upright herself, and never took her eyes off her. And she was planning to nurse for at least a year, which seemed like a long time to him.

  He couldn’t help wondering at times if the peaceful, happy, stress-free life they had shared for six years before Jaime was born would ever be normal again. A new, constantly tense, hypervigilant side of Zoe had emerged. She was not the same woman she had once been, but he loved her just as much, and forgave her quirks. After all, they were both committed to giving their daughter the best life they could. Who could fault Zoe for that? And he was sure that she would relax as Jaime grew older. It was just a bumpy start. His brother had said that to him too. His brothers and their wives had been younger when they’d had children. At thirty-four, in her line of work with abused children, and with two years of medical school, Zoe approached it more intellectually. And she had enough knowledge of the risks and downsides and medical dangers to fuel her fears. But he was sure that in time she’d relax.

  His mother had suggested to her that Zoe be careful about what she ate while she was still nursing, and try to avoid onions, garlic, spicy food, cabbage, some dairy products, and even chocolate. She didn’t think that alcohol would do any harm, and might even make the baby sleep better. And although Zoe liked Constance, she found her suggestions offensive and intrusive, and said they were all old wives’ tales and would have no positive impact on Jaime’s gastric disturbances, which Cathy Clark still said were in the normal range. Jaime threw up a lot, but Cathy said some babies were just vomiters and spat up a lot of their milk.

  Austin didn’t comment when he saw Zoe eat the forbidden foods mentioned by his mother and thought it might have been worth a try to avoid them, which Zoe flatly refused. She loved chocolate and spicy food, garlic and onions, and continued to eat them liberally despite her mother-in-law’s advice. She rejected all of it as myths. It annoyed Austin, but he thought it best not to engage in battle with Zoe over it. Things were tense enough about Jaime’s feedings as it was. And he didn’t think she vomited unduly, no more than his nephews had at the same age, but Zoe insisted that Jaime threw up all day long, and less at night, so he didn’t see it, and he assumed she knew what she was talking about.

  Jaime was all smiles when he came home from work, and he loved playing with her. She was progressing at normal ages for infant development, and learned to smile and roll over when she should, and she laughed uproariously when Austin played with her. She had a deep, wonderful giggle that brought a smile to her parents’ faces. Her happiness was contagious, and she loved it when her father blew raspberries on her stomach and she squealed with delight.

  Everything was going smoothly and starting to get easier, even Zoe’s breasts had finally adjusted to Jaime’s needs and rhythm, when disaster struck. Zoe was changing her, and took her hands off the baby for a split second to reach for a fresh package of diapers high on a shelf. She took one short step away from her, and before she could step back, Jaime demonstrated her newest skill and rolled off the changing table onto the hardwood floor and gave her head a resounding crack when she landed with an ear-piercing scream. Zoe scooped her up with a look of panic, the baby was alert but it took long minutes to calm her.

  There was no rug under the changing table or in the room where they kept Jaime’s things, since Zoe was afraid of allergens and asthma, which she had had as a child, so the room was all hard surfaces, which could be wiped down, and Jaime’s quick trip to the floor had been unforg
iving. Within a short time, Jaime had a huge bump on her head. Zoe didn’t stop to call Cathy Clark, she put Zoe in her quilted sack, grabbed a blanket and her purse, and rushed out the door to take her to the emergency room. She was sure Jaime had a concussion, given how hard she had hit, the awful sound it made, and the size of the bump on her head.

  She called Austin from the cab, confessed to her own stupidity in stepping away from her. Jaime had never moved on the table before. Zoe told him where she was going, the emergency room at NYU, and he promised to get there as fast as he could. His office was in midtown, and Zoe would get there first.

  They only made Zoe wait a few minutes before a pediatrician at the emergency room saw Jaime. He had a nurse get them an ice pack. Jaime seemed content by then, but there was no denying she had a big bump on her head, and Zoe cried guiltily as she explained what had happened, and how stupid and irresponsible she had been.

  “Babies do things like that.” The doctor tried to calm her and saw how terrible she felt about the accident. “Her pupils look fine. She doesn’t have a concussion. Keep an eye on her, and if she throws up, call me. It’s just a bump on the head,” he said reassuringly, and was startled when Zoe asked them to call in a pediatric neurologist, just to be on the safe side. He told her he didn’t think it was necessary, but Zoe insisted, so he did. Zoe asked the neurologist if he thought Jaime should have a CT scan, and he concurred entirely with the pediatrician. There was no sign of a concussion, Jaime had a nasty egg on her head, but she was fine. Both doctors were in the examining room when Austin walked in half an hour later, in time to hear that Jaime was fine, and he looked enormously relieved. From Zoe’s description of the event, he was imagining her in a coma by the time he got there, and possibly brain damaged. He was thrilled to find that wasn’t the case, and held her in the cab on the way home, as Jaime grinned at him and giggled when he kissed her. She seemed none the worse for the experience, although Zoe looked shaken up, and felt acutely guilty for Jaime’s fall. She kept repeating how stupid she had been.

  “She’s going to get bumps and bruises over the years. You can’t prevent them all.” He kissed his wife, as they rode home, and made a comment that had occurred to him recently. “I think your medical school training makes you worry about her more. You have enough knowledge to terrify yourself, Zoe. Maybe you need to disconnect from that, and read fewer books. You’re smart and sensible, and careful with her, to an extreme degree. You can’t assume the worst every time. She’s fine, and every bump on the head doesn’t mean a concussion. Sometimes, most of the time, it’s just a bump on the head. My brothers’ boys would be brain dead by now if they got a concussion every time they knocked each other down or ran into something.”

  “But those things happen. You can’t ignore them. That’s how tragedies happen, when people assume that something is nothing, when in fact they’re not seeing the danger signs.”

  “Not every situation is dangerous,” he argued his case. “You’re a great mom, Zoe. You don’t need to worry so much.”

  “Even great moms lose their kids,” she said softly, and he kissed her. He knew that was the root of Zoe’s constant anxiety about Jaime, her fear that she would die. It caused her to be overzealous about everything, and had become her only role in life, to guard their child. And in spite of that, accidents happened anyway. It was inevitable, and making Zoe seem neurotic.

  She nursed Jaime when they got upstairs, and Austin went back to the office. For once, Jaime didn’t throw up after Zoe nursed her. The bump was ugly and a constant reminder to Zoe of her terrible mistake, but it absorbed in a few days, and was a dim memory after that. Zoe took it as a warning to be even more careful with Jaime, and she never stepped away again while she changed her. It alerted Zoe again too to how careful she would have to be in hiring a nanny for her, so she could go back to work. If a nanny had done what she had, and Jaime had fallen off the changing table, Zoe would have fired her on the spot. She had a month to find a nanny before her maternity leave ended, and she cried every time she thought of it. She loved her job, but she loved her baby more, and couldn’t bear the thought of leaving her every day. It was going to be wrenching, and she was going to continue nursing even after she went back to work. Austin thought she should end it then, and Jaime would have gotten all the immunities she needed from her mother’s milk at four months, but Zoe disagreed. She had read that a year would be better, and Cathy Clark thought six months would be a good compromise, but Zoe was set on a year. Austin didn’t argue with her about it. Zoe was the best, most dedicated mother he had ever seen. Even if he got less attention from her than he used to, less time with her, and none alone, and their sex life had dwindled to almost none at all, Jaime was the lucky beneficiary of her mother’s passion and vigilance. Zoe’s mothering was superb.

  Chapter 4

  After interviewing more than twenty candidates for in-home daycare for Jaime, Zoe concluded that Jaime was still too young for her to leave her, and she extended her maternity leave by two months, which was an enormous relief to her. She missed her job now, and the challenges it provided her on a daily basis, and the children she saw there, but being with Jaime was so much more important to her that she wasn’t ready to go back. And the thought of separating from Jaime made her feel anxious. The person replacing her was delighted to stay for an extended period. The shelter was running smoothly, and Zoe called in frequently and was available for consultation on important decisions. And once she explained that due to Jaime’s apnea, she needed another two months at home with her, no one begrudged her the extra time. She’d never had another episode since the first one, but it was the perfect excuse to get two more months of caring for her daughter on a full-time basis herself, one to one, and more time to find the right nanny, which was beginning to seem like an impossible task.

  In the next two months she interviewed more than thirty applicants from four agencies, and finally found a woman whom she liked, who had no objections to Zoe’s many rules and theories and said she was willing to adhere to them. She was a warm, loving woman in her fifties from Jamaica, with years of experience as a baby nurse and six grown children of her own. Her name was Jamala. She had a musical, lilting accent, talked to the baby and made her giggle, and Jaime took to her immediately, and didn’t object when Jamala picked her up and held her, which surprised Zoe. She often resisted when her grandmother tried to pick her up, and had cried when Brad and Pam came to visit. She wasn’t used to strangers. Austin’s father seldom came to visit and said he enjoyed his grandchildren better when they were old enough to talk. Beth hadn’t come from California yet. She said she had been working double shifts in the ICU and couldn’t come until the summer, but she had seen the baby on Skype and thought she was beautiful.

  Sadly, she and Zoe had never grown close again after her years of being disconnected and drowning in her own grief, but they had a friendly relationship. Zoe had been closer to her father for most of her life, while her mother was so involved with Rose, and then nearly catatonic in her sorrow after. The chasm between them had never narrowed after that, and all that Zoe remembered were the years of her mother paying no attention to her, both before and after Rose’s death. There was no animosity or bitterness between them, just distance, in a cordial way. Her not coming to see Jaime by the time she was six months old hadn’t helped to bring them closer again. It was a missed opportunity Beth hadn’t seized, yet again. She had been an extraordinary mother to Rose, but not to Zoe, once Rose got sick. It was too late to rewind history.

  Austin and Zoe had found Jamala through friends, and not an agency. She had worked for them for six years and they raved about her, how careful she was, how loving and devoted. All of their children were in school now and they no longer needed her. The wife of the couple she had worked for didn’t have a job, and was home when the children got home from school, or their housekeeper babysat for them. So Jamala was thrilled to find a job with a six-
month-old baby, starting all over again where she was needed. All of her children and grandchildren lived in Jamaica and she missed her family. And Zoe was relieved to have someone who came so highly recommended.

  Zoe had Jamala start two weeks before she was due back at work, so she could observe her, and she liked what she saw. And to be sure that she really did follow the rules, they had six nanny cams installed in hidden locations throughout the apartment, so they could check on what she was doing. It was Zoe’s idea, and Austin thought it unnecessary and excessive, but if it reassured Zoe, he was willing to do it. He knew how hard it was going to be for her to leave the baby every day. She hadn’t left Jaime for an instant since she was born. She hadn’t been to lunch with a friend, or even gone shopping without her. She and Austin hadn’t been to a movie, and the only restaurants they went to were the ones where they could take Jaime in her stroller. Zoe wanted to be with their baby 24/7, and felt it was crucial for her early development.

  It had curtailed private adult time for her and Austin, but he was hoping that Jamala would be willing to work some nights and weekends, so that he and Zoe could get out for some “date nights.” He was longing for that, and Jamala said she would. Austin was really looking forward to it, and couldn’t wait to spend time with his wife again. He had missed it terribly, and it was irksome at times to have to share her so constantly, although he loved their baby too. But their life had gotten very different very quickly, literally overnight, and he wanted to recapture some of the romance in their relationship. Zoe said that sounded good to her too, but so far had done nothing about it. Her first priority was Jaime now, not Austin, who often felt like the forgotten man.